AntiChrist (2015-08-15 03:27:18)

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I know I've been posting too much lately, especially in this particular section, but I think you'll find this interesting. Last Friday was the first day of school. While I was there, I didn't speak at all. I kept my headphones in and many people gave me glances, but decided not to say anything since my headphones were in. (My small group of close friends are not at my school, but I have aquantinces that I usually talk to regularly and I tend to make small talk with strangers).

The weekend passed and I spent that the way I usually do. In my room sleeping, eating, meditating, reading, writing, going on the internet, sleeping, etc. This is because my parents keep me at the house to watch my siblings.

On Monday and Tuesday my headphones were still in. I did everything alone and stayed focused on my work. I ate lunch alone, too.

On Wednesday morning, I was one of the first two people to walk in the classroom. E was the other. She asked me if there was a seating chart. I had this weird feeling when I tried to speak. It was almost like I was forcing the word out.

"No..."

I don't think she heard me though, and it came out a bit more quietly than I thought it would. At that time, I also felt slightly less confident. For me, this is not a usual occurrence.

Wednesday passed and I still made no effort to connect with anyone. "There's no need to." I would remind myself.

Thursday. I can't even remember what happened except these few details of the day: Up until this point my headphones were in. Now I was pulling them out occasionally. I decided to examine the room each period to see who my classmates were. A surprising amount of familiar faces. I should've been able to hear their voices at least, but it's probably because of what I'm going to explain later in this post (the uninteresting part).

Time has been going unbelievably fast, and it isn't slowing down. With it already being Friday, I made a decision. "Hey, why not speak today? It might be healthier considering the changes (which I will elaborate on in the boring part of this thread)"

So, I kept my headphones out most of the time. In fact, I may have only had them in for seven percent of the day. That is an estimation. I looked around the room, observed people and even tried to think of something to start a conversation about. In second period I decided to make a test post in real life to see if my voice still worked. The math teacher asked a question in which the answer to it was "congruent". As usual, none of my peers were willing to participate and the teacher was left in silence.

"Congruent"

I sounded pretty normal for the most part.

Lunch was after that and if was the time I had my first conversation of the school year.

WARNING: This makes absolutely no sense without context.

"Hey man, you have a dollar?"

"Yeah"

"insert phrase I can't remember, but it was something along the lines of 'oh wow, thanks man!'"

"No problem"

"Hey, do you ride my bus?"

"Yeah. Are you that one guy that smokes weed?"

"Haha yeah! Did you hear me say 'I need my medicine?'"

"Yeah I saw. That was funny."



Third period:


I talked to the two people next to me about some random stuff. In fourth period, I didn't talk to anyone. There are quite a few quiet people in that class. They seemed content barely saying two words to anyone, so I decided not to force a conversation.


It feels very weird going days without talking to people. Being normal again feels good. No more retard behavior for me.

The boring part of the thread. You should just skip this.

By not talking to anyone, I learned some things about myself.

1. I observe people constantly. I am always paying attention to peoples interactions, conversations, emotions, actions, posture, body language, etc.

When I stopped talking to people, I also stopped observing them. Without the constant observation of people, there was a large emptiness that was usually filled up by people watching. I do it more than I realize.

2. I am a zombie without people.

I did everything on auto pilot up until the point I started connecting with people again on Friday (today). The only thing about myself that I actually focused on was my posture and making sure I didn't accidentally copy everyone else's facial expression (it would change every millisecond and look very odd) and when I did work, I thought WHILE doing the work instead of thinking about what I was going to do WHILE doing the work. I only was slightly less neat with my handwriting and slightly worse overall in my performance. I never remember doing the work while on auto pilot, but just the fact that I was putting pencil on paper while the correct thoughts were going through my head.

Although my schoolwork has little to do with people, by not thinking about or even observing them with any of my five senses whatsoever, I became a thoughtless zombie that did everything on auto pilot.

I barely even contemplated. I am usually contemplating constantly. However, this week, by not watching people, I didn't live in my own little inward world at all. It's as if observing people and contemplating at the same time had to coexist with one another. Without one, the other could not be done. This made time go by ridiculously fast because I didn't focus on or think about much of anything until I went home to spend time doing my own thing. By then, I had more energy than usual. If I was a phone, I would usually be at 25 or so percent battery. Now, I had up to 50 or 65 percent battery left and recharged fast. This may be do to the fact that I didn't mentally do much of anything.

Like I said before, since I didn't observe people around me whatsoever, I didn't contemplate either.

It turns out that I observe people almost as much as I contemplate. I do both of these constantly, unless theee are no people present. However, I still contemplate while in my room when there's nobody there.

When I say one can't exist without the other, I didn't mean at the same time all the time. Just the few conversations I had today made my brain activity normal again for until now, and it's still normal.

3. I'm usually unaware of how I feel. I don't know how to explain this yet, so I'll just edit this later. This came as a shock to me. Long story short, I sometimes don't know when I'm sad unless something or someone points it out to me. My anger, I'm aware of entirely each time (as it us the one exception to this) and I always "put it away" until the appropriate time or use something productive as an outlet. As for the others, I sometimes won't know about them.

It's like seeing an acorn fall off a tree and you're paying attention to something else so you see it, but only subconsciously process it and don't really know it happened consciously. Sometimes, I will notice the acorn. A lot of times, I simply don't.

"But how can you be unaware of emotions? They are IN YOU."

Like I said, I'll try to explain it better later.


4. I am good at jumping to conclusions.

As I said, I payed no mind to other humans. However, I had to know the instructions to my work in class, don't I? Then how can what I'm telling you be true?


I unconsciously hear key words that my teachers tell me and do what I think I should be doing based on that while I'm doing things on auto pilot.

It usually takes me a while to find my new classes at the beginning of each semester, but I've been finding them and going into the correct room by "guessing" and not looking at any room numbers, people or hallways.

I generally do things right while not thinking about them, but I never guess because I fear doing odd and ridiculous things. As useful as it could be, I'm too scared to do everything this way. No guessing and jumping to conclusions for me.


I typed this all very late at night so if I sound like an insane maniac, that is why.

This post has been edited one or more times, the last time was:
2015-08-15 03:28:22

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Star (2015-08-16 15:30:29)

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Wow I wouldn't be able to do that I am all over talking I always loose the silent game u play on road trips or at school

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ConnorRonnoc (2015-08-16 22:47:19)

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Wait, so why exactly did you do this?

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AntiChrist (2015-08-16 23:01:16)

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Reasons

This post has been edited one or more times, the last time was:
2015-09-17 23:24:02

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Destroiya (2015-08-17 05:28:35)

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I do that a lot. It's called an antisocial Greek loving weeaboo with probably no life.

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