I don't know if it's exactly appropriate to talk about his final hours and the details behind his death, but Plaza has never been a place for political correctness, and Spencer was always open about this sort of stuff with everyone online...so I don't think there's anything I could say here that he wouldn't want any of you to know. Also, I think it can be important to be aware of his behavior...perhaps it can prevent other's heartaches if we know what paths towards suicide can look like.

I was in a Discord group chat where he was open about everything. He had been talking about doing it for so long...he started flirting with the idea, and began researching the most painless way to go. He then tried choking/suffocating himself a few times to see how it felt. Nearly every day he would talk about how miserable he was. He was obsessed with feeling like a victim because he was circumcised. Every single day it seemed all he would talk about was lolis, circumcision, and suicide. He would put some effort into fixing his life: foreskin restoration, moving out of his parent's house, aspiring to go to Japan and teach...but he just continued to go downhill, mentally.
A couple days before he passed, he was going to hang himself...this is what he posted in Discord on the 14th, the day before his death: I don't wanna be dramatic and post too much but I'm ashamed of myself for trying so hard to kill myself tonight. [...] All day at work I was thinking tonight is the night I was gonna end it all, 100% guaranteed with full suspension. So I leave a note in my room like saying where I'll be hanging, sneak out at night with my backpack with a stool and rope and [ish], and go into a wash that's maybe like 1/2 mile away. The entire time I'm walking there I don't feel angry anymore and I thought it was because I know it'll be the end, so why get angry?

Then I get there, set everything up, and just cry in disgust at myself for what I'm trying to do. Can't do it. None of my problems matter anymore, like at all. I feel so retarded right now.[...]
When I said [my problems] don't matter, they still do, they just didn't in that moment.
I woke up and I feel like as usual. I just realized last night that I don't wanna die.

He said his "suicide BS was done for good now" after that experience...but apparently not even a day later, he did it after all. His last messages were short, abrupt replies to small-talk...it was evident something was off. And then he never responded ever again. I got suspicious when it had been a week without activity. I even searched funeral home websites in his area, and went through all the obits, but didn't find anything...so I held out hope until I finally logged back into Discord just a few hours ago and noticed everyone talking about it. Deep down I think I've always known, but the confirmation is a bit devastating.

Many of us were there for him. We all told him we didn't want him to do it, and that we enjoyed his company. I insisted several times that circumcision wasn't a big deal, but he wouldn't hear it...he was absolutely obsessed with, if not addicted to, the feeling of worthlessness over lacking a flap of skin. I don't think that was his sole reason for killing himself, but it does shed light the distressing state of mind he was in...I wonder if his snowballing downfall could be traced all the way back to his some of his other somewhat disturbing behaviors throughout the years. Perhaps all the warnings have been there since we've known him...

He needed counseling, that's for certain. I don't think I, or any of us, could have said or done anything to stop him...but I wish I tried harder, regardless.

I certainly wasn't his greatest pal, and he's not someone I necessarily ever considered a "friend"...but he wasn't such a bad kid once you got to know him. He was fun to hang out with. Once I accepted his quirkiness (even if I'd still gripe about it at times), I enjoyed his chats...Discord (and Plaza, for that matter) isn't the same without him.

Remember that no problem of this world is big enough to make you end your life. It's natural to have suicidal thoughts but they are just as temporary as our problems. If you're reading this you're blessed with everything. In fact, you don't even know what problems are. Visit Kenya, Afghanistan and such countries to know.


We all go through bad times, but bad times are bearer of glad tidings about your future.